Thursday, October 22, 2009

Revised Paragraph

Not many changes but it is more clarify...

Original Paragraph
When a consumer eats McDonald’s in a foreign country, especially children who has
the most potential to be attracted by their character and think that what they eat is right.
Then these children think that what they eat would make them more Americanized. Like
in Beijing, Germany when they consume this food, they think that eating in McDonald’s
would “elevate a person’s social status”. But not only have they thought that it would
make them superior they also think that by eating McDonald’s they would be more like
the people in the United States. Just like Den Fujita mentions in the “Fast Food Nation”
article, “If we eat McDonald’s hamburgers and potatoes for a thousand years, we will
become taller, our skin will become white, and our hair will be blonde”. Even if most
people around the world was to become just like a white American, also here in the
United States there has been a conflict on how some black Americans has gone through
treatment just to be white. Like in the “Dreams from my Father”, Obama sees a picture in
Life magazines and thinks how children would also peel their skin just to be like what a
American person really looks like and symbolizes.



Revised Paragraph
When a consumer eats McDonald’s in a foreign country, especially children who has
the most potential to be attracted by their Ronald McDonald character and think that what they eat is right. Then these children think that what they eat would make them more Americanized. Like in Beijing, China when they consume this food, they think that eating in McDonald’s
would “elevate a person’s social status”#231. But not only have they thought that it would
make them superior they also think that by eating McDonald’s, they would be more like
the people in the United States. Just like Den Fujita, a billionaire who brought McDonald's to Japan mentions in the “Fast Food Nation”
article, “If we eat McDonald’s hamburgers and potatoes for a thousand years, we will
become taller, our skin will become white, and our hair will be blonde”. It states how
people around the world like the Japanese who wants to become just like a white American, would do this to make them happy and to be someone. Also here in the
United States there has been a conflict on how some black Americans has gone through
treatment just to be white. Like in the “Dreams from my Father”, Obama sees a picture in
Life magazine and analyzes how children would also peel their skin just to be like what a
American person really looks like and symbolizes. We could see how this can come to affect because in America white has usually governed and represented this country.

1 comments:

Prof. T. said...

Good work! Good use of your quotations here. Keep working on sentence-level language clarity. For example, your first sentence is a fragment, believe it or not. How could you rework to make it clearer and a complete sentence?